A Postmodern Christmas

While I was home, my mom kept calling me a scrooge for being offended by things I saw and heard in regards to Christmas. This story really reflects the things I found offensive. Read it. Perhaps then you'll understand why I view Christmas very differently. There's so much truth to this story; look what we've (as a society) have made Christmas out to be...



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In the manner of the “purpose driven” generation & the Rick Warren Christmas special, we would like to bring you a new kind of Christmas, one that will encourage you (or at least make you feel less guilty). So, gather all the other dudes & dudettes around your laptop there at Starbucks & join us as we take you on a journey (revisionistic as it may be), in a sure to be classic Christmas tale, A POSTMODERN CHRISTMAS.

A POSTMODERN CHRISTMAS
http://thekingdomcome.com/a_postmodern_christmas


Now the birth of Jesus was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was engaged to Joseph before they came together (though if they loved each other a lot it would have been ok to come together), she was found with child.

Then Joseph her husband (well, technically they weren’t married yet but that's ok), being a closed-minded traditionalist & not willing to let go of his fundamentalistic ideas about marriage was minded to put her away privately, which would have been mean & judgmental of him.

But while he thought on these things, behold an angel came or he entered a Buddha-like dream state. At any rate Joseph came to his loving & compassionate senses & decided to not put Mary away.

While in the dream, Joseph heard a voice which who are we to judge which god it might have been if any at all, saying to Joseph: “Mary will bring forth a son & you shall call his name Jesus (or Yeshua if you want to sound more Hebrewish) for he shall help a lot of people feel better about themselves & their life experiences."

Now all this was done, that the text would look more consistent but of course we all know the Gospels were written a long time after Jesus had actually died, so it is possible the whole story is just embellishment by his followers – anyhow…

Then Joseph came out of the dream state & took Mary to be his co-partner in life. But he didn’t try to consummate the marriage like many brutish men would, as if the woman is just their property or something.

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem (which in modern times is rightfully controlled by the Palestinians since that land has been otherwise wrongfully occupied by Israeli Zionists) in the days of Herod (which could actually have been 4 B.C.E.), behold there came really cool dudes from the east.

When Herod heard these things, just like any other cruel authoritarian he became jealous. And when he had gathered all the really mean religious people together, he demanded of them where Jesus would be born.

And they said to him, "In Bethlehem" (which in modern times is rightfully controlled by the Palestinians…oh yeah, I already said that).

And you Bethlehem are a small place but out of you will come a great healer & a guy that teaches people to be real loving & peaceful, just like Buddha did & Gandhi would later.

Then Herod, when he had privately called the wise guys, he asked them a lot of questions about astronomy & astrology since Herod had been influenced by the western culture of Rome he didn’t know about the cool metaphysical stuff like they do in the east.

And so he told them to go look for Jesus. Probably using some sort of astronomical technology that the western people were too dumb to invent, the cool dudes found Jesus in a stable or it could have been a cave, we aren’t really sure about anything, not even our theology. At any rate, even then selfish, capitalistic pigs wouldn’t give Joseph & Mary a room so they like many people today were homeless & out in the street.

The wise guys went into where Jesus was born & gave him gifts which was their way of showing they understood that it was God's Dream for humanity that Jesus came to help poor people get back at mean rich people.

The rest of the story gets too mean but you know what happens – Jesus grows up & goes around the countryside preaching a socialistic Gospel of peace, sort of like a first-century version of conflict resolution & anger management but just like today there were mean people then who didn’t want to see poor people actually get anywhere so they killed Jesus, or he could have got married & lived in France & died of old age, we aren't sure of that either, but it's ok to be doubtful of everything you believe (it's the postmodern way).

Fortunately, lots of smart, trendy preachers today are getting back to Jesus’ simple message of love & world peace. They are trying to help people with all sorts of benefit concerts, ipod incentives & book sales.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or whatever you want to celebrate – don’t worry, we won’t judge you.